my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
