He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
