Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
