Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
