I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
