I accidentally burped into my bong.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
