Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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