we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
