i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
