Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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