I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
