Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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