I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
