apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
