your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My apartment stinks of burning failure
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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