I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
