When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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