I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
