we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
