The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
