If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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