I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
