fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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