eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
