He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
