remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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