Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
