Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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