drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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