i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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