You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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