Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
