i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Two words: blizzard sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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