eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
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Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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