Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
