Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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