Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
