i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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