look no pants
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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