The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
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dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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