I think I won the penis lottery.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
