Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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