Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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