You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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