I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
