Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
