Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
