dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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