I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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