1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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