Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
