I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
