I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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