Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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