Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
