I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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