My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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