Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
