I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
