And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
